


Beneath These Scars

by HyperKid



Series: Trans Caleb AU [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff, Genderfluid Ruby of the Sea, M/M, Multi, Trans Caleb Widogast, Trans Character, bandage binding is bad for you, let the cleric take a look
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 10:40:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18408965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid
Summary: Jester catches Caleb unbinding on their last night in Trostenwold. She assumes he’s still injured, he assumes she won’t get it. They’re both wrong.





	Beneath These Scars

**Author's Note:**

> HK: So, important note. This is my first explicit Caleb-is-trans fic, because it’s the first where it’s a plot point. There’s gonna be a couple more chapters with the rest of the Nein, the overarching theme being unconditional acceptance.   
> Mollymauk: It is kinda our thing.   
> HK: It’s a very valuable skill. One to practice in the comments too!   
> Mollymauk: So does this mean I get a chapter too?   
> HK: You’re either next, or the one after that. I’m not necessarily doing “everyone gets their own”.   
> Mollymauk: I do have requests. And ideas.   
> HK: And a lot of piercings for a two year old.   
> Mollymauk: One of them came with the body, but I’m not telling you which. 
> 
> WARNINGS!! Caleb is an angst ball of ansty angst? 
> 
> Disclaimers: Critical Role is not mine, you can tell by the lack of in show smut.

Nott was somewhere in the bar with their new friends when Caleb caught a moment to be alone. It wasn’t every day they got a room in an inn, with some proper privacy and a real bed, and he intended to take advantage. 

 

On the road, he was used to sleeping fully clothed, in his wraps, the better to be able to cut and run as needed. It wasn’t exactly comfortable; the tight chest bindings compressed his ribs, and some days he felt like he couldn’t breathe at all. Which was maybe a little bit of the reason that he did it, if he was honest with himself. He took a moment to close his eyes as his shirt came off, settling it over the back of a chair. 

 

Just a few hours. Maybe overnight, if his chest still hurt. 

 

He was down to just bandages and skin when a cheerful knock caught his door just barely too hard, the shoddy lock not quite in place to stop the door swinging open. It was Jester, of course it was, the over exuberant tiefling leaning into the room with a broad smile on her face. 

 

“Hey Caleb, Molly persuaded the barkeep to get the good whiskey out if you want some!” 

 

The moment froze as she caught sight of him, stuck like a deer in a hunter’s lights. Then he dropped the end of bandage and grabbed for a shirt and she pushed into the room, worry wiping the smile from her face. 

 

“Caleb! Are you still hurt? You should have said something, I can heal you, I still have some spells for the day!” It was such a marked difference from her reluctance in the fight that at any other time Caleb would have a sarcastic comment for her. 

 

Now, though, he was busy swatting her hands away, panic rising in his chest. 

 

“No! Jester, no, it is nothing like that, I am fine!” 

 

To her credit, she drew back at once, the healing spell still tingling on her fingertips as she frowned at him. And then her brow cleared, her expression lightening with understanding. 

 

“Oh! Caleb, are you binding?” A little worry crept back into her face and she bit her lower lip. “Mama told me never to do it with bandages though, you can really hurt yourself.” Her hands twitched again, the desire to touch evident, but she held herself back. 

 

Caleb wished he could sink through the floor. 

 

“Ja, well,” he muttered gruffly, turning his back on her and tugging his tunic over his head, “there are not so many options on the road.” The end of one of the bandages was still trailing loose under his shirt, but he felt better for the layer of protection. 

 

No one was supposed to know. It would be much easier for them to find him if anyone knew. 

 

But Jester clearly did, and even knowing the tiefling for only a few days he could guess she would want her curiosity satiated. He only hoped she would understand enough to keep his silence. He turned back, running a hand through his hair as he dropped to sit on the bed with a sigh. 

 

She was still hovering, uncertain and worrying at her lower lip. 

 

“I can go if you want to be alone,” she said quietly, her voice smaller than he’d even have imagined possible. “I’m sorry.” 

 

The wizard gave her a wry smile, gesturing to the bed beside him. 

 

“I imagine you have questions.” It was... not unheard of, in the empire, or particularly uncommon, but he didn’t know anything about Nicodranas. The speed with which she’d realized what he was doing was promising but Caleb was not used to optimism. 

 

She did seem honestly confused by the suggestion though, tilting her head to one side as she sat beside him. 

 

“Not really... I mean, I get why. Not everyone likes the bodies they were born with.” She shrugged, then shifted a little to face him again, her expression all earnest concern. “How long have you been using the bandages?” 

 

That was not the kind of question he’d anticipated, though pessimism insisted he should have been. Thinking of the past made his shoulders stiffen, and his gaze fell to the floor. 

 

“Five or six years now.” Since he had been on the road. Since he’d been himself. Her little intake of breath was unexpected enough to make him glance up. If anything, she seemed even more worried than when she thought he was injured. 

 

“Every day? Caleb, that’s really dangerous...” 

 

“I know,” he cut her off, his eyes narrowing. He could have dealt with disgust, ignorance, confusion. Her concern was... probably a good sign, as long as staying with the group was concerned. Caleb had to admit that much, but that didn’t make it comfortable. 

 

He shook his head, unable to meet her gaze. 

 

“I know,” he repeated, sighing softly. “I was taking them off for a bit when you arrived.” 

 

She shuffled on the bed beside him, glancing up at the door. 

 

“I can go now if you want me to,” she said again, leaning forward a little to watch his face. He could almost taste her uncertainty. “But... maybe I should take a look? I’m not exactly a doctor but I know some healing spells and if you’ve been doing it a lot it might help...” 

 

One hand was already straying to her symbol. Caleb stared at it for a moment, considering. Tension drained out of his shoulders and he sighed again, burying his head in his hands. 

 

It was already too late to keep it a secret from Jester. There was no use being angry about it. He knew himself well enough to know that it all stemmed from fear. And... she wasn’t wrong. 

 

She’d probably have found out at some point anyway, the logical part of his brain reminded him. Even if he hadn’t taken a serious chest wound against the nergelied, there would have been something, some when. 

 

It didn’t really help. 

 

Rather than trying to untangle the words to answer, Caleb turned away again, tugging his tunic back over his head. There was a moment’s pause, then Jester shifted closer, one cool hand coming up to rest on the bandages on his back. 

 

“Should I take them off?” She whispered, her voice still thick with worry. Caleb nodded, closing his eyes for a moment and drawing in a breath. Already thanks to the untied end, the bandages were loosening enough to make it a deep one. 

 

When she still hadn’t moved a moment later, he realized she was waiting for a spoken answer. The thought twitched his lips up into a wry smile. It was a little late for that. 

 

“Ja,” he said quietly, casting his gaze to the ceiling, “but... please try not to touch them.” 

 

Jester tucked one leg under her to turn and sit behind him, more secure now that she had something to do that she could understand. 

 

“Hands up,” she prompted gently as she found the end of the bandage, making a face at the sweat stains. And probably worse if Caleb was honest. Still, she rolled it up neatly while she waited, fully aware it was probably going to go back on. 

 

Caleb raised his hands slowly, the strangeness of the situation still sinking through. It felt almost intimate, and in a way he’d feel less so if he was just fucking her. At least then he might not feel so vulnerable, laid bare. 

 

Though, his lips twitched in another smile, if he was fucking her she’d probably have noticed something was afoot anyway. It wasn’t like he could just grow a dick on command. 

 

But for once, Jester seemed to be taking the situation seriously. She stayed quiet as she worked, unwinding the bandage and rolling it up in careful, precise movements that left him plenty of space around his chest. She was quick too, and Caleb couldn’t resist another, deeper sigh as the last of the bandage was removed. 

 

His ribs still ached, they almost always did, but it was a relief to be able to breathe deeply. 

 

Jester set the rolled bandages on the bed and reached out, pausing before she touched him. 

 

“I’m going to try a spell now,” she told him softly, her brow creased in concentration, “tell me if it helps at all?” 

 

Focused mostly on filling his lungs, Caleb nodded. He wasn’t sure if this was something magic was going to be able to help with, but it was a nice thought. The spell sizzled under his skin when she touched him, warmth spreading pleasantly across his back. It did seem to soothe the ache a little and Caleb let his eyes drift closed to enjoy it. 

 

“Oh... that is better,” he admitted with another deep sigh, rolling his shoulders a few times. Jester brightened at once, her fingers tracing a light trail down his back. 

 

“That’s good,” she declared happily, her usual enthusiasm bleeding back in. “I can do you a heal every night I have some spells left, if it hurts?” She paused, cocking her head to one side as Caleb tugged his tunic back on before turning to face her. “I do have one question though, I guess.” 

 

Caleb raised a brow, a slight smile playing at his lips. Not when he’d asked if she had any, of course. The sight of the smile seemed to cheer her up at once. 

 

“I did say you could ask,” he pointed out, and she beamed. 

 

“Is this not normal here?” She asked waving vaguely from his chest to the bandages, shifting in her seat. “I mean, I think it’s normal in Nicodranas, and most of the Menagerie coast, but I’ve never really travelled before and if it’s something I should know about...” 

 

A little of the weight settled back into Caleb’s stomach and he shook his head. He’d known “why” was going to come up at some point. Or in this case, “why not”. 

 

“It is... normal enough, here,” he said slowly, choosing his words with care, “and it is not a problem, for most people. But there are not necessarily many of us, and if people knew it could be easier for them to find me.” 

 

To her credit, Jester was good at putting the pieces together. Maybe too good. 

 

“And you don’t want people to find you.” It wasn’t actually a question, and she sounded much too happy about it as she nodded. “I get that. There’s people I don’t want to find me, either.” 

 

Caleb couldn’t help raising a brow at that, a slight smile on his lips. He didn’t know exact numbers, but tieflings were a lot more visually obvious than trans humans. She didn’t seem to notice, grinning and clapping her hands as another idea came to her. 

 

“Oh! You know, if you want to keep your... is chest okay? Is there a word you’d like more?” She paused, cocking her head like a curious cat. Caleb shrugged, undeniably curious himself about where she was going. 

 

“Chest is fine. Not breasts, please. Or anything like that.” 

 

“Okay!” Jester nodded happily and drew in a deep breath to continue. “If you wanted to keep your chest bound, I could write to my mama and ask her to send you one of her old binders? It might not be a perfect fit but it would probably be easier than wrapping every time.” 

 

It took a moment for the words to sink through, because all he could do was stare at her blankly. 

 

“I... your mother has binders? Enough that she has some to spare?” It was so completely out of the blue, not a direction he’d even considered the conversation might take. True, they’d helped each other, and were considering travelling together, but this was still a lot. 

 

Jester shrugged happily, entirely unaware of Caleb’s confusion. 

 

“Sure! She has sooo many, and people keep giving her more, so really you’d be doing her a favour! I was going to write to her anyway and get her to send some money, so putting in a couple old ones shouldn’t be any trouble!” 

 

Questions lined up in Caleb’s head, all clamouring for attention. But if he asked questions, she might ask questions. Instead he gave her a weak smile. 

 

“I suppose it does no harm to ask...” Privately, he wasn’t convinced anything would come of it. Jester was sweet and soft and moneyed, but she was also out on her own now. She couldn’t be her Mama’s little girl forever. 

 

Unaware of the direction his thoughts had taken, Jester beamed and bounced in place, clapping her hands. 

 

“Do you want to come downstairs for a drink with us now? Molly says it’s pretty good whiskey and Fjord fell off his chair!” 

 

Caleb glanced towards his bandages, panic rising again. He didn’t want to go out without them. 

 

“Actually, Jester, I was planning on a quiet evening...” 

 

She followed his gaze, her smile softening as she nodded, standing and stretching. 

 

“Would you like company or should I leave you to your books?” There was just a hint of teasing in her voice, and it drew the corners of his lips up into a slight smile. 

 

“You can go rejoin the others. I know quiet is not really your thing.” 

 

“It can be, sometimes,” Jester said lightly, leaning in to ruffle his hair. “But I want to see Nott drink Molly under the table. I’ll tell you if anything good happens.” 

 

Half leaning away from the touch, Caleb paused and caught her eye. 

 

“Jester... please don’t tell anyone, ja?” 

 

“Ja,” the tiefling mimicked with a giggle, her accent smoothing the unfamiliar word as she made for the door. “It’s no one’s business but yours anyway, Caleb. My lips are sealed!” She mimed locking them, waving her “key” bearing hand over her head as she skipped out the door and tugged it closed behind her. 

 

This time, the lock caught. 

 

Caleb went to seal it with silver thread anyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> HK: Before I forget, I’m having trouble with good words for this but YES you may absolutely read all my works with Caleb as trans, in the certain knowledge that dick is easily acquirable in the CR world for those who want it. Thank you for that, Marisha Ray!


End file.
